To: wwp@wolfram&hart.com

Dear Wesley:

You claim that these reports will help you see what I have learned, though I suspect you merely wish to verify that I've killed no humans yet. Nonetheless, here it is.

Something called a shuttle bus transported me to the school. I prefer simply ripping a hole between dimensions. On the journey, I had intercourse with a teacher (possibly tolerable), a loud girl (possibly mad), a boy who wished to make offerings of beef to me (possibly dirty of limited mental capacity), a potential acolyte (possibly colorblind), a smoker (possibly doomed to an early death - not at my hands) and the incarnation of Death (clearly mad, as she claims to enjoy being mortal).

Upon reaching the island, my blades were taken from me. This is unacceptable. Elder beings do not 'check' their weapons. After this ignominious procedure, I also had intercourse with a small girl who is supposedly my sibling and a large boy who is to live in a box with me. And his dog.

I did not have intercourse with the dog. I was simply told of it.

I didn't kill any of them.

Even the dog.

Are you pleased?

-Illyria, God-King of the Primordium, Shaker of Worlds, Scourge of the Deep, Death by a Thousand Tentacles

***

To: notasmurf@fandomhigh.net
From: wwp@wolfram&hart.com

You may wish to substitute the word 'conversation' for 'inter----- Well done. Carry on.

-W.

[NFI, OOC, etc, Acronyms R Us.]

Humans (and others) I've Had Intercourse With

Fandom vs. the Real World (Mat, Aeryn Sun)
Swordplay (Claire, Deadpool)
Joining the Frat (Hannibal, Arthur)
Fight Club (Tyler Durden, Claire, Jack O'Neill, Drake Dèmon)
The Gym (Raven, Azula)
Fandom vs the Real World
Military Reserves (Azula, Arthur, Merlin)
Sword-play (Zack, Arthur, Worf)
How to Win Friends and Influence People (Jack Burton)
Kappa Kappa Gremlin (Hannibal, Mat)
Fandom vs. the Real World: Illyria vs. A Kitten (Illyria 1, Kitten 0)
Military Reserves (Azula, Dinah)
How to Win Friends and Influence People (Eleanor)
Kappa Kappa Gremlin (Hannibal)
Fight Club: Illyria vs. the Blob (....let's call it a draw) - (Fred Dukes, Cable)
Fandom vs. the Real World: Illyria vs. Glitter (Glitter 1, Illyria 0)
Reserves
Dorm roof (Azula)
Swordplay (Kennedy)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Kappa Kappa Gremlin (George, Chuck Bartowski)
Dorm Roof (Raven, Robin the Non-Demonic PMuppet Frog)
Fandom vs the Real World (Raven)
Swordplay
Parents Weekend 1 : Leto
Parents Wekend 1: Wesley